For almost four years, I've been doing the TTC countdown. This blog starts a new countdown as I focus on finishing my PhD while letting go of the dream of having a baby while in grad school (or maybe ever). The imagined future vanishes like whisps of smoke through my window, and I am trying to work in the here and now on what I can actually control. Which, it seems sometimes, is very little.
Most parts of my future are a big question mark. Where will I work when I'm done with the PhD? Where will we live? Will we parent or live child free? DH and I are now in a kind of holding pattern--not actively trying to conceive after failed meds, 3 IUIs, and an almost marriage meltdown. IVF is too expensive (financially and emotionally) for us right now, though remains an option for someday. Adoption is not an option for DH, though I hold out hope.
I've spent countless hours (when I am supposed to be a good academic and write, write, write) trolling through infertility blogs. I'm trying to make myself into an honest woman here and stop lurking and start sharing. I hope that a side benefit is that I'll get out all the BLAH emotions that I can't share with most of my friends and, maybe, just maybe, that will keep me from procrastinating so much on the things that I can control (like writing my dissertation).
So...here's today's countdown.
Episode 1: Enjoyed being at the farmer's market with a friend and her gorgeous two children produced for the most part while I've been TTC. Why is it always so bittersweet to hang out with parents? I think she is a great mom and her children are delightful. Still, it is so hard not to feel jealous because she is the image of what I wanted to be in grad school--the with-it mom who finishes her grad work AND is a fab mom.
It's hard to talk about the job market with her some--she is excited about moving on next year (we start applying for jobs in the fall), but I am still not sure what to do. I had imagined stretching out the PhD some with maternity leave, but now I am determined to finish on time. Yet, the thought of moving from the house I love (with the empty, freshly green painted spare/hoped-for baby's room) and this lovely, child-friendly universty town saddens me. I wish, like her, I had the ability to hope that everything will "just work out" next year. The cynical me thinks, "yes of course they will work out for you, dear woman who was able to time her pregnancies by the month." My hope vibes are just a bit worn down after the last few years.
Episode 2: At home ready(?) to work on dissertation. I look at baby-obsessed posts and cute kid pics of my friends on Facebook. I open the Barren Babe blog and follow other recent links to read about child-free living, adoption, pregnancy after infertility, etc., etc. I imagine that Julia Child would tell me to stop reading so many blogs and get back to my work.
Episode 3: I decide that I should make this blog. Here I'll try to motivate myself by 1) venting my emotions; 2) tracking where I am with this dissertation baby (due date Feb. 2011).
Episode 4: So, the dissertation was first conceived (at a very early stage), Spring 2007. Proposal defended, Spring 2009. Data collection, Fall 2009. Analysis, Winter 2010. Writing, NOW: 1 chapter somewhat finalized, 6 more to go (several in gestational stages).
Okay, I'm going to drag myself out of the infertility/ttc countdown and work on this dissertation. Goal for today: finish chapter 5. It's about time I countdown to something that I can give birth to.
